17th Oct. 2013 (and 10th Oct. 2013)

Apologies for not updating this time last week, I had a substantial amount of work to catch up on before I could update this, and telling a grand total of about 3 people how my brain sessions came second place to exam revision.

 

 

10th Oct. 2013

 

Today, we looked at the ABC model and applied it to certain situations I had previously, or was about to, face. For example, I'd always get anxious if I had to put something in the bin at the front of class. I'd get a tight chest, my head would ache and go 'fuzzy', which leads me to get worked up, shaky and annoyed with myself. The tight chest comes from the evolutionary fight or flight response, where we'd get an adrenaline surge in an event that causes us to panic. That response decides to rear it's unnecessary head in the least appropriate situations, like putting something in the bin and I go all woozy and somewhat unwell. However, if I look at my behaviour to what happens, so instead of allowing myself to get nervous I'd take a minute to breathe deeply, have a mental conversation with myself and relax first. This would allow me to walk to the bin with minimum problems.

 

Another situation is the fact I would be playing guitar with a group of three people on the Saturday. My initial belief was that I wouldn't be good enough, or that I wouldn't be liked or welcome in the group. This led me to be shaky, start crying, and I felt disappointed in myself because I wasn't confident or strong enough to just agree to do it without problems. On the Saturday I was so nervous, but I managed to catch myself in time before it got out of hand. It's okay to feel nervous, that's natural, but not to the extent where it normally leads me. I know the people there and I know that we all get on at least in passing. I know they'd encourage me rather than take the piss if I didn't do as well as I'd have hoped to do. I felt a lot better thinking this way, and I enjoyed it a lot more than I would have done had I let nerves get the better of me. I didn't do anywhere near as well as I hoped I would, but hopefully that will come with practice and self confidence.

 

17th Oct. 2013

 

We talked about how my weekend had gone, seeing as I had a few social things that I was really anxious about to face. I said I was proud of myself for being as happy and confident as I was at the parties on Friday/Saturday and Jane seemed really pleased with me. It was the first time I'd seemed genuinely proud of myself at a session, and she said she ought to record me saying that to remind me of how far I've come.

 

She asked how well I think I've done, I told her about mum saying that I seem like a new person and that she feels like she's got her daughter back. She asked how I saw myself, and I said I don't think I notice the change as much as other people do because I see it more gradually than anyone else, but I feel a lot more confident than I used to, even though I was nowhere near where I'd like to be. She asked where I'd like to be, I said far more outgoing than how I am now. I can put something in the bin in class without totally freaking out, but I can't walk past him in the corridor without the tight feeling in my chest or not physically being able to walk close to him. She didn't realise that he came to KEGs before today's session. I said that we were in the same business class at school and I felt like I was going to faint when I had to be in the group next to his, let alone being in his group. She asked if I'd told the school, but there'd be no point because even though he admitted it to his parents when questioned, there's a difference between doing that and saying to the establishment of learning that he'd done it. She said that at least he managed to admit it to his parents, and that she had a tiny bit of admiration because that he managed to do that. She didn't mean admiration in the traditional sense, it'd be less of a bad feeling than more of a good feeling. She asked about how he reacted to me in the corridor, and when I told her that he tends to either walk straight past or turn the other way shows that he realises that what he did was wrong. She thinks that I've turned a corner with that particular situation, and that from what I say during sessions that I have a balanced view about the entire thing. On one hand, I lost one of the best childhood friends I've ever hand, but on the other hand I wouldn't have the best friend group I could have wished for if I'd still hung around with him. On one hand, I'm a weaker person because of it, but on the other hand I'm also so much stronger than I could have been if I hadn't had it happen to me because it gave me something to fight back against. It's good that I've managed to reach an equilibrium in my view of this, she must think I'm doing well because she offered me bi-weekly meetings rather than weekly ones. She also gave me a self-help book, to which I said I'd grown up sceptical of things like this, but I'd be willing to give it a go.

 

Looks like I'll be better sooner than first thought. :)

Session Four - 3rd Oct. 2013

The session today was a fast one. Since last week, I told mum and dad about everything and on Friday, I went to the GP and was given Citalopram 20mg for depression and Half Beta-prograne 80mg for anxiety. They're really helping, I feel so much less stressed and we had half the session we normally do because I feel a lot better relatively. I hit the wall again though because they make me drowsy so I don't remember a lot of the middle bit.

 

We started off by talking about how it went when I told mum and dad about the sessions and how it went when I went to see the GP. I said about how difficult it was to actually say it for the first time and how they reacted. I told her that mum and dad have been very supportive and mum said she'd cut off contact with his parents if she wanted me to. Mum said that she feels she's let me down and she didn't know what to do in the situation, which is completely understandable because I wouldn't have a clue what to di in her position.

 

I mentioned the family history of depression, the fact that mum and all her siblings have been on them at some point in their lives and how my aunt and uncle are on different doses of the same antidepressant that I'm on. She said that she could see the difference in me this week compared to the last session, and kept congratulating me because of how difficult it all is. She asked about being referred to another counsellor, the GP said that I could if I wanted but it could take up to three weeks to actually get it through and as long as I keep going to the sessions at college then I should be okay :)

 

We talked about what we could do next week. She said that she isn't trained in CBT but we could do some mild stuff for the anxiety, like the ABC Model. That's where we look at an "Activating Event", or a trigger, look at the "Beliefs" around it, like what our thoughts are, and finally the "Consequences", the actions and emotions of this. So it looks like we're going to be looking at more ways of dealing things rather than just talking about the past.