17th Oct. 2013 (and 10th Oct. 2013)

Apologies for not updating this time last week, I had a substantial amount of work to catch up on before I could update this, and telling a grand total of about 3 people how my brain sessions came second place to exam revision.

 

 

10th Oct. 2013

 

Today, we looked at the ABC model and applied it to certain situations I had previously, or was about to, face. For example, I'd always get anxious if I had to put something in the bin at the front of class. I'd get a tight chest, my head would ache and go 'fuzzy', which leads me to get worked up, shaky and annoyed with myself. The tight chest comes from the evolutionary fight or flight response, where we'd get an adrenaline surge in an event that causes us to panic. That response decides to rear it's unnecessary head in the least appropriate situations, like putting something in the bin and I go all woozy and somewhat unwell. However, if I look at my behaviour to what happens, so instead of allowing myself to get nervous I'd take a minute to breathe deeply, have a mental conversation with myself and relax first. This would allow me to walk to the bin with minimum problems.

 

Another situation is the fact I would be playing guitar with a group of three people on the Saturday. My initial belief was that I wouldn't be good enough, or that I wouldn't be liked or welcome in the group. This led me to be shaky, start crying, and I felt disappointed in myself because I wasn't confident or strong enough to just agree to do it without problems. On the Saturday I was so nervous, but I managed to catch myself in time before it got out of hand. It's okay to feel nervous, that's natural, but not to the extent where it normally leads me. I know the people there and I know that we all get on at least in passing. I know they'd encourage me rather than take the piss if I didn't do as well as I'd have hoped to do. I felt a lot better thinking this way, and I enjoyed it a lot more than I would have done had I let nerves get the better of me. I didn't do anywhere near as well as I hoped I would, but hopefully that will come with practice and self confidence.

 

17th Oct. 2013

 

We talked about how my weekend had gone, seeing as I had a few social things that I was really anxious about to face. I said I was proud of myself for being as happy and confident as I was at the parties on Friday/Saturday and Jane seemed really pleased with me. It was the first time I'd seemed genuinely proud of myself at a session, and she said she ought to record me saying that to remind me of how far I've come.

 

She asked how well I think I've done, I told her about mum saying that I seem like a new person and that she feels like she's got her daughter back. She asked how I saw myself, and I said I don't think I notice the change as much as other people do because I see it more gradually than anyone else, but I feel a lot more confident than I used to, even though I was nowhere near where I'd like to be. She asked where I'd like to be, I said far more outgoing than how I am now. I can put something in the bin in class without totally freaking out, but I can't walk past him in the corridor without the tight feeling in my chest or not physically being able to walk close to him. She didn't realise that he came to KEGs before today's session. I said that we were in the same business class at school and I felt like I was going to faint when I had to be in the group next to his, let alone being in his group. She asked if I'd told the school, but there'd be no point because even though he admitted it to his parents when questioned, there's a difference between doing that and saying to the establishment of learning that he'd done it. She said that at least he managed to admit it to his parents, and that she had a tiny bit of admiration because that he managed to do that. She didn't mean admiration in the traditional sense, it'd be less of a bad feeling than more of a good feeling. She asked about how he reacted to me in the corridor, and when I told her that he tends to either walk straight past or turn the other way shows that he realises that what he did was wrong. She thinks that I've turned a corner with that particular situation, and that from what I say during sessions that I have a balanced view about the entire thing. On one hand, I lost one of the best childhood friends I've ever hand, but on the other hand I wouldn't have the best friend group I could have wished for if I'd still hung around with him. On one hand, I'm a weaker person because of it, but on the other hand I'm also so much stronger than I could have been if I hadn't had it happen to me because it gave me something to fight back against. It's good that I've managed to reach an equilibrium in my view of this, she must think I'm doing well because she offered me bi-weekly meetings rather than weekly ones. She also gave me a self-help book, to which I said I'd grown up sceptical of things like this, but I'd be willing to give it a go.

 

Looks like I'll be better sooner than first thought. :)

Session Four - 3rd Oct. 2013

The session today was a fast one. Since last week, I told mum and dad about everything and on Friday, I went to the GP and was given Citalopram 20mg for depression and Half Beta-prograne 80mg for anxiety. They're really helping, I feel so much less stressed and we had half the session we normally do because I feel a lot better relatively. I hit the wall again though because they make me drowsy so I don't remember a lot of the middle bit.

 

We started off by talking about how it went when I told mum and dad about the sessions and how it went when I went to see the GP. I said about how difficult it was to actually say it for the first time and how they reacted. I told her that mum and dad have been very supportive and mum said she'd cut off contact with his parents if she wanted me to. Mum said that she feels she's let me down and she didn't know what to do in the situation, which is completely understandable because I wouldn't have a clue what to di in her position.

 

I mentioned the family history of depression, the fact that mum and all her siblings have been on them at some point in their lives and how my aunt and uncle are on different doses of the same antidepressant that I'm on. She said that she could see the difference in me this week compared to the last session, and kept congratulating me because of how difficult it all is. She asked about being referred to another counsellor, the GP said that I could if I wanted but it could take up to three weeks to actually get it through and as long as I keep going to the sessions at college then I should be okay :)

 

We talked about what we could do next week. She said that she isn't trained in CBT but we could do some mild stuff for the anxiety, like the ABC Model. That's where we look at an "Activating Event", or a trigger, look at the "Beliefs" around it, like what our thoughts are, and finally the "Consequences", the actions and emotions of this. So it looks like we're going to be looking at more ways of dealing things rather than just talking about the past.

Session Three - 26th Sept. 2013

I hit the wall big and hard during this session so there are going to be a lot of missing bits.

 

As always, we talked about how we felt after last session. I said that, as always, it was very up and down. I said that it was really difficult to talk about certain things and I was shaky afterwards, but that's understandable. She said about making the First Aid box after last session, I showed her mine. She seemed really pleased with it - the lid's like a medical box with a health warning which made her laugh, and the inside is stripey and colourful after Aidan gave me some wrapping paper for it. She said she didn't read the paragraph that he wrote on the inside of the lid because that was personal to me.
 

We talked about how difficult it is for me to talk about things to certain people. We went over how mum and dad reacted after how I told them what happened, and how I got to actually telling them. I told them because I'd been self harming and they wanted a reason for it, and I didn't actually want to tell them at all. They reacted with screaming and mostly focusing on how self harm isn't the answer rather than what actually happened. Jane thought that it was because they didn't want to hear about it and almost like they couldn't cope. I said how they wouldn't want their little girl to be seen as damaged goods, if they've created something then they'd want it to be perfect. She said that's a really harsh way of seeing myself, and asked if I see myself this way a lot. She recommended a book about stories of people who've been through something, saw themselves as broken and mended themselves. The teapot was beautiful, then it smashed but got fixed in a different pattern that was different but still beautiful. She kept saying that damaged goods is a really harsh personal view.

We went over if I blamed myself for what happened. Which I really, really do. Because it was more than one incident and it kept getting worse, I keep thinking about what if I'd have said something earlier or if I'd have fought back rather than just being frozen, wishing for it to end. Maybe I wouldn't be in such a state. It's really difficult for me to talk to people about things at the best of times too. I told Jane about how hard it is, and explained about how scared I am of having PTSD or depression or something.

She told me about the process of the GP if I went to see him. There's an initial nine question screening process that patients take to see if there's a chance of having depression, then they can either be dismissed as not having depression., referred to having CBT or a course of antidepressants. The 9Q screening test was online, and she suggested that I take it. I scored 18, which is apparently fairly high, and next week we're going to look at writing a letter for my GP to see how I'd go if I went.

Session Two - 19th Sept. 2013

We talked about how it felt after the last session. I said it was a really strange thing of being up and down, but that it was nice talking about things. I said I was scared of hitting a big low again, then Jane said about making a first aid box. Not a medical one with plasters and bandages, but one to keep safe filled with happy memories and things in to lift me up if I feel down. She asked me what my box would be like, I said a shoebox with bright colours and stripes. Why stripes? Because I like stripes. I felt like a simpleton when I had to say that. Stuff that goes in my box would be my high school leavers' book. That's going in because I've got lots of kind things being said about me from people who I barely knew, so to think that people who don't speak to me often think at least vaguely highly of me really makes me happy. Food with lots of sugar is always a plus, plus a few photos of people and memories like big times with old friends. The big thing for me that Jane said should go in the box was letters from people who mean a lot to me. She asked who I'm close to, I said that I spend a lot of time with Ben, Stutt and Rory at college, and of course Aidan outside of college times. If I keep them in an envelope and don't read them until I get low then it should perk me up. I thought that constructing the box would make me feel good too, because I know that even if I have a low then I know I've got something prepared. I'll put a comedy DVD in too, probably Black Books, if I can find it. Jane wants to see how I'm getting on with my box next session so I'll get decorating a shoebox when I have time. :)

 

The issue of 'the wall' came up, and physical disconnection. Apparently it's a really big symptom of severe depression. Grounding myself is a thing I really need to work on, because if it happens again then I really don't want to go back to the ways of cutting myself to get back to reality. Jane said that if I eat something really cold or really hot, it can 'jolt' me back into reality. That's the same as rubbing something like ice against my skin or something rough but not to hurt myself, that can again jolt me back. She described it so well, it's like looking at the world through a window and doing this can smash the window. It's a nice thing to know how to do it rather than being so far behind the wall I feel like a member of Pink Floyd. That's physical disconnection. We also briefly talked about flashbacks, which is normal and okay for what I've been through. I told her about how I don't like having my wrists touched especially if I'm having a bad low. She said it back to me, and that was really difficult to listen to. I almost cried, but I didn't. So I should be proud of myself for that.

 

We went over my confidence issues, and how what had happened really knocked my confidence. I talked about how difficult it is for me sometimes to talk in large groups, in social situations and the like. I said that I'm fine in small groups of about three or four, but the normal sized groups that we hang out in can get intimidating to speak to everyone there. She then thought that maybe I was overlooking things that I've done that I should be proud of, because when you feel low nobody thinks of the good, only the bad things. I said that I should be proud of myself for being able to go up on stage in the band, despite being the bassist. It's good because I don't have all the focus of attention but I share it during a bass solo. I can't walk down the corridor alone without just staring at my feet though, which I need to work on. I felt more confident before it happened, I remember that much. Jane thinks that I should create a kind of star chart. Not like a kiddie one with a reward system, but just reminders of things that are a big deal for me but might not even be for someone else. Like if I manage to start a conversation with a stranger, or if I see something good in the way I look.

 

I have a feeling it's going to start getting worse before it gets better pretty soon, but it'll be worth it.

Session One - 12th Sept. 2013

Session one went much better than I thought it would. We went over in more detail some of the things we covered last time, like the self harm cycle, and touched on some new stuff. I finally got a chance to mention the eating difficulties, which Aidan has been asking me to talk about for a while, so that's always something. The details of this might be shaky because it's been a few hours so I will probably forget things here and there.

We went over the background of things, how I felt from the pre-session session. I felt shaky beforehand but I guess that's only natural when talking to people is difficult. She explained to me that what I went through is a high importance issue, and that I wouldn't be referred to any 'trained listener' or a lower counsellor so it's a nice feeling that I'm not just wasting her time. We also talked about how last year was for me when I had my main low, after telling her about attempting to jump in front of a car she said that if I'd have seen her last year then I'd have been a high priority case and that I'd have ticked a lot of the criteria for severe depression. But I did tell her I'm getting better so that's always a good sign.

She asked me what the differences between me before what happened and me now. I said that I couldn't remember what I was like beforehand. I don't know if that's just an age thing or if it's because that was a turning point and there's a kind of shutter that came down on everything before that. We discussed a lot about life at Higham, and generally how bad an experience it was for me. I said about bullying, anorexia, and how it all affected me. I might have been hit so hard by what happened because of the high level of trust I had for him, and that I have to grieve as well as get over the experience. That makes a lot of sense because I got over it happening when it wasn't someone who I was ridiculously close to, and it's been a number of years and it still stings when I think about it. There's the betrayal I have to get over as well as the actual incident. It doesn't help that he was the one who told my parents when I was being bullied, or tried to get me to eat when I wasn't eating well. Then there's also the fact that my parents still see his sometimes, and that they didn't really have a chance to fully come to terms with things. Or that's how I saw it anyway. We haven't spoken to it apart from on the day, and that was mostly that "self harm is not the way forward" which didn't help in any way shape or form. I don't think I'll ever be ready to tell them that I was self harming etc. because of how they'd take it - last time they found out was before they knew what had happened and mum just screamed her head off.

The self harm cycle was something interesting that I hadn't really thought about before. The way it apparently works is kind of like the abusive relationship cycle, with the 'honeymoon period', the build and the act itself in that order. I'm more scared of letting down other people than I first thought. I'm scared of letting Aidan down because he believes in me where I don't, and the thought of cutting myself and disappointing him when he's trying hard to quit smoking isn't fair on him. I deal with it now by not having any equipment lying around because I don't trust myself. If I feel like I've disappointed other people then the feeling rises, and I use s/h as a kind of punishment for letting other people down. Apparently, that isn't unusual for people who self harm, which made me feel better because I feel normal for the situation. It's also a big accomplishment that I haven't cut myself since about February this year, and she recommended some oil stuff that will help my scars go down. I use that and it's faded them from a purple colour to a silvery colour.

I decided on weekly meetings rather than two weekly meetings so I can get everything done quickly and I can be better sooner.

:)

Big Day Ahead

Tomorrow will be my first proper, hour long session. I'm feeling pretty good, but I'm not sure how long that's going to last if I have to talk about stuff I thought I'd lain to rest. Only time will tell. The first session didn't go too badly although there's a lot of stuff that's going to come up that I'd forgotten or didn't want to keep remembering, and I am terrified of going back to how I was.

The reason I'm going is because Aidan's seen me during a panic attack. I'm scared of it happening again and I really can't let something that happened years ago rule my life, even though it's so difficult to control. I'm getting a lot better though, on my tumblr there's a lot of stuff about how low I was:

I had a dream where I shot myself in the right temple. The pain was over quickly, less than a second. Nobody minded. I slept well. Woke up after a dream about a demon. On the same night, my wee sister had a dream where I hanged myself. She cried when she woke up. I hugged her.

 It's good to see that I'm better than that. I don't ever want to get that low again. Not now I have someone to live for.

Hello again. Again.

2013 So Far (Again)

I suppose the first thing I should do is apologise for the lack of updates, etc. And apologise for what my blog's going to be used for from hereon out. So, I'm sorry. And I'm sorry.
So, I lied. I try and make things seem happy so when I can look back over things, I'll think that things are okay, even though they aren't. Things weren't "a-ok" at all. I attempted suicide a handful of times while I was with Calum, self harmed and with hindsight got pushed to the side. When you're with someone, you can't really see their flaws. So, looking back, I'm really confused as to why I stayed with this bigoted self absorbed guy for almost a year. I think I was afraid of being alone and I just wanted other people to see the good in me where I couldn't. He spent a lot of his time just smoking pot rather than seeing me at all, lied to me throughout our relationship and generally made me feel shit a fair bit of a time. I was lonely without being alone, which is just the worst thing ever. So, I just tried to start conversations with anyone who would listen and accidentally found the most amazing person I have ever, ever met. Aidan is just like me but male - how many ex pot smoking leftie bassists are there in a small space? He makes me feel good about myself, his family are all brilliant, he's just fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. He's actually been helping me to raise my confidence rather than knocking me down and telling me to "stop being so fucking miserable", and is actually partially the reason I've started blogging again.

Spoilers, Sweetie

The reason I'm restarting this blog is because I'm finally seeing the councillor about my head. I might have to go on a short course of an antidepressants, or I might just come out of this low by myself. We'll see what happens. But, this blog is going to keep reminding me about my progress so if I have to go to the GP or feel like I have to show the councillor these posts might be able to help somewhat. And hey, if not, it might be an interesting read. So, I'm going to delete my old posts so it's a fresh start and I can focus about what matters on here.

Hello again.

Well ain't this grand. I hadn't planned to come on here again, and I certainly hadn't planned to read through all my old posts to remember what a little twat I was, but life's funny and here we go.

 Last time I posted on here was about two years ago now (at the start of 2011), and so much has changed. But also not a lot has changed. I'm a little older, and a little wiser. And, seeing as you're giving me the time of day to read this, I suppose I'd better give you a TL;DR of what's happened in the last two years.

2011
2011 was a funny one. Last year at high school, I had some really awesome friends and discovered the internet. Like, the 'fun' side of the internet. I spent a lot of time on /b/ and simultaneously hadn't passed the stage on facebook where I constantly had to update every single aspect of my life like I AM EATING A BANANA. I think I started or had only just started doing roleplaying at this point, funfun. This was also the time of where the mass string of sleepovers began. Possibly. I can't remember, my memory's a combination of THC and mush. I had a boyfriend and actually, despite everything, he was alright. No, actually, he was a cock. He kept comparing me to his ex and making me feel shit about what I looked like, and how I acted, and for my emotions. Yeah, fuck that guy. Saying that, I thought the world of him at the time, and he may have made me feel shit about the way I was but he also made me feel good about myself. He may have made comments about things but he was also one of the first people to call me beautiful or anything like that. It was a strange love hate relationship that, looking back, wasn't love at all. We also broke up. I found Reddit and Tumblr and shit, although that may too have been earlier (mushbrain). My friend group is expanding by this point and Labyrinth is great and things are fab, aside from the whole "I have an eating disorder!" phase of this, which is totally shit. But that's irrelevant. Labyrinth Halloween party 2011, still with Ian (by about a DAY) (and by about, I mean exactly) and there are two guys there and I like them both and because I am an indecisive knob I dick around and am a complete twat to one of them. He's one of my closest friends now and I'm so glad about that because I hurt him and so many other people. :( I end up dating the other one for a few months. We saw Kasabian together and had general fun and THUS WAS THE END OF 2011

2012
Oh, God, so eventful. SO EVENTFUL. Me and Calum start talking which was probably the best decision of my life. January was pretty uneventful, I think. Me and him started hanging out and stuff. Labyrinth also have a load of parties and I'm still with Luke by February but by March/April, we had broken up. GCSEs had started here, or revision for them I should say, and I'd had a proper mental breakdown because on New Year's 2009/2010 I got sexually assaulted/raped (and I can't remember which because my brain has blocked it out which is really shit so I don't actually know if he took my virginity on that night but that's NOT THE POINT because I'm still totally fucked up from it) and I started self harming. Ian saw my scars and he got back in contact with me and on 4/20 we got stoned together and he kissed me. I started this bullshit trying-to-get-back-in-a-relationship thing and I am ashamed of it to this day. Totally shitty, I carried on dicking around with him and being treated like shit by him. After I'd been dicked around enough, I realised I had been a fucking idiot and Calum was the person who I should spend my time with. Not even for a relationship but just because he really was my best friend. We started smoking pot together and he cheered me up no end. It's around this point that I piss off one of the people who meant the most to me. (Elly, I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you. Josie, you too. And anyone else who I hurt.) Me and Calum get pissed together, get stoned together (most notably before our RE GCSE. I got a B.) and spend most of our time together. Early June we get stoned, have sex. June 11th, we're a couple. Happiest girl in the world. Spend summer with new friend Jordan and old friends on 'bridge' smoking and soaking up the sun and generally having the best time. Septeber, we start college! Yay! Still summer-y weather, spend most lunchtimes making friends down by 'stoner tree' doing - well, you've guessed it. Making some really fucking awesome friends. Ben and Stutt are two of the best friends I could have ever wished for. Everything is good with the world. Except I started on hormonal contraceptives and they send my mood haywire and I have ups and downs and occasionally cut (a really bad patch in october) but it's nearly christmas and my mood is up and I spent the first second of New Year's in Calum's arms.

2013 so far
It's been alright. Nothing major's happened. I feel a lot more mature about things, I have constant leg twitches that are probably down to stress but I still have the greatest boyfriend ever and despite the fact I'll occasionally cry, things are actually going a-ok.

:)