Session one went much better than I thought it would. We went over in more detail some of the things we covered last time, like the self harm cycle, and touched on some new stuff. I finally got a chance to mention the eating difficulties, which Aidan has been asking me to talk about for a while, so that's always something. The details of this might be shaky because it's been a few hours so I will probably forget things here and there.
We went over the background of things, how I felt from the pre-session session. I felt shaky beforehand but I guess that's only natural when talking to people is difficult. She explained to me that what I went through is a high importance issue, and that I wouldn't be referred to any 'trained listener' or a lower counsellor so it's a nice feeling that I'm not just wasting her time. We also talked about how last year was for me when I had my main low, after telling her about attempting to jump in front of a car she said that if I'd have seen her last year then I'd have been a high priority case and that I'd have ticked a lot of the criteria for severe depression. But I did tell her I'm getting better so that's always a good sign.
She asked me what the differences between me before what happened and me now. I said that I couldn't remember what I was like beforehand. I don't know if that's just an age thing or if it's because that was a turning point and there's a kind of shutter that came down on everything before that. We discussed a lot about life at Higham, and generally how bad an experience it was for me. I said about bullying, anorexia, and how it all affected me. I might have been hit so hard by what happened because of the high level of trust I had for him, and that I have to grieve as well as get over the experience. That makes a lot of sense because I got over it happening when it wasn't someone who I was ridiculously close to, and it's been a number of years and it still stings when I think about it. There's the betrayal I have to get over as well as the actual incident. It doesn't help that he was the one who told my parents when I was being bullied, or tried to get me to eat when I wasn't eating well. Then there's also the fact that my parents still see his sometimes, and that they didn't really have a chance to fully come to terms with things. Or that's how I saw it anyway. We haven't spoken to it apart from on the day, and that was mostly that "self harm is not the way forward" which didn't help in any way shape or form. I don't think I'll ever be ready to tell them that I was self harming etc. because of how they'd take it - last time they found out was before they knew what had happened and mum just screamed her head off.
The self harm cycle was something interesting that I hadn't really thought about before. The way it apparently works is kind of like the abusive relationship cycle, with the 'honeymoon period', the build and the act itself in that order. I'm more scared of letting down other people than I first thought. I'm scared of letting Aidan down because he believes in me where I don't, and the thought of cutting myself and disappointing him when he's trying hard to quit smoking isn't fair on him. I deal with it now by not having any equipment lying around because I don't trust myself. If I feel like I've disappointed other people then the feeling rises, and I use s/h as a kind of punishment for letting other people down. Apparently, that isn't unusual for people who self harm, which made me feel better because I feel normal for the situation. It's also a big accomplishment that I haven't cut myself since about February this year, and she recommended some oil stuff that will help my scars go down. I use that and it's faded them from a purple colour to a silvery colour.
I decided on weekly meetings rather than two weekly meetings so I can get everything done quickly and I can be better sooner.
:)
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