Hello again. Again.

2013 So Far (Again)

I suppose the first thing I should do is apologise for the lack of updates, etc. And apologise for what my blog's going to be used for from hereon out. So, I'm sorry. And I'm sorry.
So, I lied. I try and make things seem happy so when I can look back over things, I'll think that things are okay, even though they aren't. Things weren't "a-ok" at all. I attempted suicide a handful of times while I was with Calum, self harmed and with hindsight got pushed to the side. When you're with someone, you can't really see their flaws. So, looking back, I'm really confused as to why I stayed with this bigoted self absorbed guy for almost a year. I think I was afraid of being alone and I just wanted other people to see the good in me where I couldn't. He spent a lot of his time just smoking pot rather than seeing me at all, lied to me throughout our relationship and generally made me feel shit a fair bit of a time. I was lonely without being alone, which is just the worst thing ever. So, I just tried to start conversations with anyone who would listen and accidentally found the most amazing person I have ever, ever met. Aidan is just like me but male - how many ex pot smoking leftie bassists are there in a small space? He makes me feel good about myself, his family are all brilliant, he's just fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. He's actually been helping me to raise my confidence rather than knocking me down and telling me to "stop being so fucking miserable", and is actually partially the reason I've started blogging again.

Spoilers, Sweetie

The reason I'm restarting this blog is because I'm finally seeing the councillor about my head. I might have to go on a short course of an antidepressants, or I might just come out of this low by myself. We'll see what happens. But, this blog is going to keep reminding me about my progress so if I have to go to the GP or feel like I have to show the councillor these posts might be able to help somewhat. And hey, if not, it might be an interesting read. So, I'm going to delete my old posts so it's a fresh start and I can focus about what matters on here.