We talked about how it felt after the last session. I said it was a really strange thing of being up and down, but that it was nice talking about things. I said I was scared of hitting a big low again, then Jane said about making a first aid box. Not a medical one with plasters and bandages, but one to keep safe filled with happy memories and things in to lift me up if I feel down. She asked me what my box would be like, I said a shoebox with bright colours and stripes. Why stripes? Because I like stripes. I felt like a simpleton when I had to say that. Stuff that goes in my box would be my high school leavers' book. That's going in because I've got lots of kind things being said about me from people who I barely knew, so to think that people who don't speak to me often think at least vaguely highly of me really makes me happy. Food with lots of sugar is always a plus, plus a few photos of people and memories like big times with old friends. The big thing for me that Jane said should go in the box was letters from people who mean a lot to me. She asked who I'm close to, I said that I spend a lot of time with Ben, Stutt and Rory at college, and of course Aidan outside of college times. If I keep them in an envelope and don't read them until I get low then it should perk me up. I thought that constructing the box would make me feel good too, because I know that even if I have a low then I know I've got something prepared. I'll put a comedy DVD in too, probably Black Books, if I can find it. Jane wants to see how I'm getting on with my box next session so I'll get decorating a shoebox when I have time. :)
The issue of 'the wall' came up, and physical disconnection. Apparently it's a really big symptom of severe depression. Grounding myself is a thing I really need to work on, because if it happens again then I really don't want to go back to the ways of cutting myself to get back to reality. Jane said that if I eat something really cold or really hot, it can 'jolt' me back into reality. That's the same as rubbing something like ice against my skin or something rough but not to hurt myself, that can again jolt me back. She described it so well, it's like looking at the world through a window and doing this can smash the window. It's a nice thing to know how to do it rather than being so far behind the wall I feel like a member of Pink Floyd. That's physical disconnection. We also briefly talked about flashbacks, which is normal and okay for what I've been through. I told her about how I don't like having my wrists touched especially if I'm having a bad low. She said it back to me, and that was really difficult to listen to. I almost cried, but I didn't. So I should be proud of myself for that.
We went over my confidence issues, and how what had happened really knocked my confidence. I talked about how difficult it is for me sometimes to talk in large groups, in social situations and the like. I said that I'm fine in small groups of about three or four, but the normal sized groups that we hang out in can get intimidating to speak to everyone there. She then thought that maybe I was overlooking things that I've done that I should be proud of, because when you feel low nobody thinks of the good, only the bad things. I said that I should be proud of myself for being able to go up on stage in the band, despite being the bassist. It's good because I don't have all the focus of attention but I share it during a bass solo. I can't walk down the corridor alone without just staring at my feet though, which I need to work on. I felt more confident before it happened, I remember that much. Jane thinks that I should create a kind of star chart. Not like a kiddie one with a reward system, but just reminders of things that are a big deal for me but might not even be for someone else. Like if I manage to start a conversation with a stranger, or if I see something good in the way I look.
I have a feeling it's going to start getting worse before it gets better pretty soon, but it'll be worth it.
No comments:
Post a Comment