Session Three - 26th Sept. 2013

I hit the wall big and hard during this session so there are going to be a lot of missing bits.

 

As always, we talked about how we felt after last session. I said that, as always, it was very up and down. I said that it was really difficult to talk about certain things and I was shaky afterwards, but that's understandable. She said about making the First Aid box after last session, I showed her mine. She seemed really pleased with it - the lid's like a medical box with a health warning which made her laugh, and the inside is stripey and colourful after Aidan gave me some wrapping paper for it. She said she didn't read the paragraph that he wrote on the inside of the lid because that was personal to me.
 

We talked about how difficult it is for me to talk about things to certain people. We went over how mum and dad reacted after how I told them what happened, and how I got to actually telling them. I told them because I'd been self harming and they wanted a reason for it, and I didn't actually want to tell them at all. They reacted with screaming and mostly focusing on how self harm isn't the answer rather than what actually happened. Jane thought that it was because they didn't want to hear about it and almost like they couldn't cope. I said how they wouldn't want their little girl to be seen as damaged goods, if they've created something then they'd want it to be perfect. She said that's a really harsh way of seeing myself, and asked if I see myself this way a lot. She recommended a book about stories of people who've been through something, saw themselves as broken and mended themselves. The teapot was beautiful, then it smashed but got fixed in a different pattern that was different but still beautiful. She kept saying that damaged goods is a really harsh personal view.

We went over if I blamed myself for what happened. Which I really, really do. Because it was more than one incident and it kept getting worse, I keep thinking about what if I'd have said something earlier or if I'd have fought back rather than just being frozen, wishing for it to end. Maybe I wouldn't be in such a state. It's really difficult for me to talk to people about things at the best of times too. I told Jane about how hard it is, and explained about how scared I am of having PTSD or depression or something.

She told me about the process of the GP if I went to see him. There's an initial nine question screening process that patients take to see if there's a chance of having depression, then they can either be dismissed as not having depression., referred to having CBT or a course of antidepressants. The 9Q screening test was online, and she suggested that I take it. I scored 18, which is apparently fairly high, and next week we're going to look at writing a letter for my GP to see how I'd go if I went.